25 October 2011

Babypocalypse 2012

Pregnancy is kind of a weird new thing for me. I wasn't sure how I felt about it before I got pregnant, and right now, I'm not quite sure how I fit into the broader context of pregnant women everywhere. I can't believe women all throughout the history of mankind have done this, even multiple times. What the what? How does it happen? It's seriously mind-boggling. And pregnant women are everywhere right now, too, it seems! I feel like I've never known of so many people who are pregnant all around the same time. Get ready for Babypocalypse. It's happening Spring 2012, World.

Being a participant in Babypocalypse is interesting. Sometimes I think I want to be the only person I know who is pregnant right now so that everyone will make a huge deal out of it. OHMYGOSH, I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED EVER THAT YOU WOULD EVER BE HAVING A BABY. LIKE EVER.

Because that's kinda how I feel about it. Even though all around, people are repeating this cycle of living and creating life, this territory feels terribly uncharted on a personal level. I've never really been around babies closely! I've never talked to pregnant women about being pregnant!

For a long time, I thought me becoming a parent would never happen, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted it to. At first, I thought it wouldn't happen because I didn't think I would ever get married. Then, once I was married, the issue became a lot more immediate. I started to think about my body differently; I had to consider birth control, and the fact that I never had a regular period became more of a disconcerting problem than an odd fluke of nature.

After more than a year of being off birth control without a period or a pregnancy, I started taking fertility drugs. When I started the Clomid, I did so thinking "Well, this has gotta happen some time," not necessarily sure if the Clomid would even work, but thinking I could no longer delay the inevitable. Though I'm not old, I'm not getting younger. And lo and behold, it worked, and here I am, and by all accounts, it looks like if everything continues as it has been going, sometime in April I will bear progeny.

I'm fascinated and in awe (especially after not functioning according to the womanly norm for so long) that my body is doing this and nature is taking its course, and that everything so far has been fairly normal. I must say, it was pretty miraculous the first time I heard Baby's heartbeat. My first ultrasound wasn't very moving (I wondered "Am I supposed to have any kind of emotional response to this unrecognizable blob on the screen?"), but there's something very visceral about the sound of a heartbeat.

As much as I still fear all of the things that could go wrong and what a horrible parent I might be and what if things don't work out very well, etc. (this list could go on and on and on), I am pretty sure I'm looking forward to this.

4 comments:

Rachel said...

Atta girl! It is kind of crazy, isn't it? Pregnancy and motherhood seriously feel to me like some secret world that no one ever tells you anything about, and then all of a sudden, BAM. You're there and you have no idea what you're doing. But that's okay--neither does anybody else, and we're all just figuring it out as we go along. I'm sure you'll be awesome. And I kind of miss being pregnant . . . it was neat.

Joanna Galbraith said...

AMANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you! SOOOOOOOOOOO happy!!! I remember all of our talks about being a parent, and you will be great!! I wish I could see you as a pregnant person. Also, I loved reading about what you are thinking. I feel like when it happens for me, I will feel the EXACT same way. Maybe all newly pregnant people feel that way, but it seems like everyone acts like it's just this normal thing. It's nice to hear that you are in awe!

M.C. Sommers said...

Yay! I'm glad you have finally announced it--I didn't know if I could say anything. :) I hope you are feeling a little better. And Joanna is right, you are going to be a great mom!!!

Katy said...

babypocalypse! haha love it!! I am super happy for you! Being pregnant is very surreal...Hope you get feeling better soon!

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