consciousness of self

The whole premise of this post may seem odd because the audience could be the same category as the subject, but I don't think anyone reads blogs anymore (much less mine), so I'm just gonna try to discard any considerations of audience here.

Moving to NC has made me self-conscious about friendship a little more than usual. I feel like I need to do a lot affirmations to get over this and just tell myself  on repeat "You are worthy of love and friendship," "You are likable," and such, despite my current social landscape being maybe a little lacking. It's been an odd two years in some ways on the social front, and I was already maybe kind of overly sensitive in that area?

I have not always successfully avoided conflict in the context of friendships. This territory is very precarious. I think there's a lot of people who believe that conflict has no place in friendship, and if there is any disagreement or discomfort, then avoiding the other person and waiting for time to heal the disconnect, or possibly even ending the friendship, is the best solution. Conversations about ending the relationship are also a faux pas, it seems. (I've sometimes struggled with the proper etiquette here.) I often feel compelled to put everything on the table. When I'm feeling emotionally invested in something, even if those feelings are undesirable, my inclination is to confront them and communicate about them. Having been burned after exposing myself emotionally and feeling vulnerable many a time, though, I've become hesitant about sharing. I don't think that's a bad thing. There's something to the maxim "don't cast your pearls before swine." There must be a happy medium, where you've established a level of trust before you begin to become vulnerable. It just seems tricky to manage the balance. 

There's an individual in my current locale who I've had some feelings of resentment and hurt feelings toward, and I've been trying to figure out how to move on from those feelings. I feel ashamed and humiliated for even having the feelings in the first place. This individual and I never actually built a consistent connection, or developed a close relationship. But it a weird amalgam of things. I was in a vulnerable spot having just moved here and knowing literally no one and being a SAHM without a lot of community access points (which can be a very isolating role). I met this gal from church, and she reached out to me initially in a friendly way. She has a very gracious way about her socially, so when we hung out, which we did on several occasions, I felt like it was easy to talk to her about things that I felt went deeper the surface level. I felt like we were friends enough that I was comfortable to reach out to her. It got to a point where that was painful and scary for me, though, because she would often fail to acknowledge or even respond. I decided to try to step back and not reach out as much to protect myself, but it's been a difficult thing for me to manage because we go to church together and I actually signed my child up to be in her child's same preschool class, as well. I would have preferred to just avoid her entirely. I think my feelings of hurt about the whole thing maybe have gone a little beyond the scope of the circumstances, but it was so wrapped up in my hope and disappointment socially on a larger scale. I'm afraid this poor girl has become a bit of a scapegoat for a lot of my failed social experiments in this place, which she doesn't deserve. She's still a lovely person, I just need to accept that she can't give me the friendship I thought she was offering.

During the same period of time, I initiated an email communication with a valued friend from college. I had been feeling like her level of responsiveness was falling short, too. This wasn't uncharacteristic for this particular friend, but the long distance instituted by my cross-country move compounded with a period of increased unavailability on her part conflated to the point where I felt our friendship was already lost. In an effort to communicate a boundary, I tried to tell her that I would be stepping back and no longer making an effort to initiate unless her responsiveness improved. That whole exchange didn't go very well, and I think I can say we buried our friendship with it. It's sad to me.

My "intensity" is not always an appreciated trait. I feel like my life story has been in some ways defined by this pattern of weirding people out this way. Or maybe it's not that so much as a pattern of intimate friendship that isn't sustained as long as I hope. Maybe it's a combination of those things, but I have a hard time with losing highly intimate and/or highly valued relationships. They are really important to me. I've tried to rein in my emotional vomit and ensure that I'm not placing unreasonable expectations on people, but I haven't succeeded in placing NO expectations on people. I think I DO have something to offer as a friend: I don't mind reaching out and initiating contact even when it requires a little more effort than just talking to someone if you happen to run into them, I'm pretty thoughtful, I am empathetic, I am available, I think I'm a good listener most of the time, and I believe I'm fairly loyal once I've established a connection with someone. I've internalized the message I've been given that I shouldn't have expectations from friends. People tell me that friends come and go, and that I should just be grateful and accept whatever may be offered, whatever amount of friendship might be extended. While I think that is partially true, I think it may be reasonable to acknowledge that I have needs and expectations and I deserve something in return. I am still finessing what exactly these expectations are, but at a basic level, I want to be acknowledged. I want to be heard. I want to feel like I can offer something positive. I want to be reassured that I'm normal.

Since moving here, I've often felt invisible socially. I worry so much about not being enough. It's easy to see my life sometimes as a string of failed relationships, to remember all the experiences and harbor the painful memories where someone actively shut me out because I was acting too intense, or my demands were overwhelming and burdensome to them. I worry that I have a scarcity mentality  and that I will never be satisfied. I think I've struggled with these feelings even when my circumstances have given me a lot more opportunities for social connection, so it's easy to conclude the problem is with me. But I'm also trying to recognize and be grateful for what I do receive. To remind myself that not every relationship ends painfully. Connection is never guaranteed, and I'm trying to be thankful every moment I get it.